So I stole (with pride) the title of this post from a friend's Facebook status, referring to her return to work last week after a nine month maternity leave. I, too, am back in the [cruel, inhumane -- no, not really] workaday world, as of three weeks ago. It's been equal parts refreshing and heartbreaking, unsettling and reassuring. But from the time I found out I was pregnant, this return has also been inevitable. So no crying over spilled milk. Let's focus on the positives, right? Dangley earrings. Full cups of coffee. Cute shoes.
But, but, but...?
If I were to philosophize a moment -- I fear that the two-working-parents model is doing Freya a disservice. Morning feeds are rushed, as I scramble for the train. She doesn't sleep well in creche, because it takes her time (and nursing) to wind down. She's happy to play with toys and other babies -- for a while -- and then, quite naturally, she wants to be held. The daycare is lovely, don't get me wrong -- but is it the ideal environment for a little one, who likes lots of individual attention and has a hard time switching off?
I wonder about life in traditional -- okay, I'll say it: poorer -- societies, where women wear babies on their backs as they go about their daily lives, because paying upwards of $1,200 a month for 9 hours a day of childcare is unattainable, bordering on absurd. (Also feels somewhat unattainable /absurd to us, for the record! Just perhaps not the same level of unattainable/absurd.) Where they nurse, because there are no other options. Where babies sleep in beds with their parents because there is no nursery and no cot. Where women are surrounded by their extended families, because they don't have the option to travel further afield. I'm not trying to romanticize life for the adults in these situations. Freya, M and I have it easier in so very many, many ways. But for the babies, it seems much more the natural way of things than the quagmire of work-life-childcare-who's-doing-the-pick-up-we-both-have-to-work-late-arggghhh-I-forgot-my-breast-pump-again that is our current family refrain.
"She'll be so sociable, after being with other people all day, and other babies in daycare -- you're doing a great thing for her! It'll really benefit her development."
"It's just her separation anxiety phase, she'll stop crying and settle eventually."
"She'll catch everything going in creche in the first while, but then her immune system will be rock solid!"
I want to believe these comments, so often repeated to me. But are they true, in Freya's case, or am I holding on to them to make me feel better about our situation?
Question mark.
No, I'm not the first or last mother to grapple with these issues. Nor am I foolish enough to believe that staying home with her wouldn't also have its price, beyond lost income. My maternity leave was mostly wonderful, but also quite lonely -- my parents live across the ocean, and my husband works, as do my close friends...none of whom have babies yet. I found a lovely community of other mamas, who became friends and lifelines. But I also went through a particularly difficult period, when Freya was four months old, and I will be forever indebted to my mother for flying across the ocean to hold my hand for two weeks and promise me that I would feel normal again one day. (And I do.)
It would also be a lie for me to say my career and my overall identity were mutually exclusive entities...
"You work, so you can provide a great life for Freya and buy her all the things she wants."
Of course! I want her to have everything that makes her happy, every opportunity the world can provide. Only, the thing she wants most right now is...me. The one thing I can't give her while working.
Ironic. A little sad. And a fact of life.
So let me not take the positives for granted. I pledge to:
> Wear dangley earrings once a week
> Rediscover my ridiculously large shoe collection
> Enjoy every sip of coffee, down to the last drop
If I were to philosophize a moment -- I fear that the two-working-parents model is doing Freya a disservice. Morning feeds are rushed, as I scramble for the train. She doesn't sleep well in creche, because it takes her time (and nursing) to wind down. She's happy to play with toys and other babies -- for a while -- and then, quite naturally, she wants to be held. The daycare is lovely, don't get me wrong -- but is it the ideal environment for a little one, who likes lots of individual attention and has a hard time switching off?
I wonder about life in traditional -- okay, I'll say it: poorer -- societies, where women wear babies on their backs as they go about their daily lives, because paying upwards of $1,200 a month for 9 hours a day of childcare is unattainable, bordering on absurd. (Also feels somewhat unattainable /absurd to us, for the record! Just perhaps not the same level of unattainable/absurd.) Where they nurse, because there are no other options. Where babies sleep in beds with their parents because there is no nursery and no cot. Where women are surrounded by their extended families, because they don't have the option to travel further afield. I'm not trying to romanticize life for the adults in these situations. Freya, M and I have it easier in so very many, many ways. But for the babies, it seems much more the natural way of things than the quagmire of work-life-childcare-who's-doing-the-pick-up-we-both-have-to-work-late-arggghhh-I-forgot-my-breast-pump-again that is our current family refrain.
"She'll be so sociable, after being with other people all day, and other babies in daycare -- you're doing a great thing for her! It'll really benefit her development."
"It's just her separation anxiety phase, she'll stop crying and settle eventually."
"She'll catch everything going in creche in the first while, but then her immune system will be rock solid!"
I want to believe these comments, so often repeated to me. But are they true, in Freya's case, or am I holding on to them to make me feel better about our situation?
Question mark.
No, I'm not the first or last mother to grapple with these issues. Nor am I foolish enough to believe that staying home with her wouldn't also have its price, beyond lost income. My maternity leave was mostly wonderful, but also quite lonely -- my parents live across the ocean, and my husband works, as do my close friends...none of whom have babies yet. I found a lovely community of other mamas, who became friends and lifelines. But I also went through a particularly difficult period, when Freya was four months old, and I will be forever indebted to my mother for flying across the ocean to hold my hand for two weeks and promise me that I would feel normal again one day. (And I do.)
It would also be a lie for me to say my career and my overall identity were mutually exclusive entities...
"You work, so you can provide a great life for Freya and buy her all the things she wants."
Of course! I want her to have everything that makes her happy, every opportunity the world can provide. Only, the thing she wants most right now is...me. The one thing I can't give her while working.
Ironic. A little sad. And a fact of life.
So let me not take the positives for granted. I pledge to:
> Wear dangley earrings once a week
> Rediscover my ridiculously large shoe collection
> Enjoy every sip of coffee, down to the last drop
Ultimately -- here's my hypothesis -- these activities will help me feel more confident, attractive and awake (fairly important) at work, boosting productivity while here and allowing me to skip (carefully, in heels) out the door on time to pick up the little love of my life, so we can spend QT together before she falls asleep in my arms.
It's not perfect, no...but it's positive.
It's not perfect, no...but it's positive.
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