Engaged!

No, not me.  I’m an old, boring married person since June last year -- Friday night takeaways and “will we buy?” discussions are firmly a part of my reality.  

My (dear) friend K-Dog, on the other hand, officially joined the ranks of “newbie fiance” last month, when her true love, L-Dog, proposed to her, sopping wet, in the doorway of their hotel room after being caught in a post-dinner rainshower.  Hello romantic!  

Am beyond excited for K-Dog in that way you can only be when someone you think is really, really wonderful finds someone else equally wonderful and the two decide to join their wonderful- ness together. I’m sending my very best vibes across the miles. It’s a long way (Ireland to Oregon), but hoping she feels them all the same.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own wedding and a few, ahem, “key learnings” I feel the need to share with her/the Internet.  

In preface, if anyone’s read Mary Schmich’s famous “Wear Sunscreen” column from a few years ago:  

“Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.”

So, be patient with me.  And without further ado, this one’s for you K-Dog: 

The path to wedded bliss(ish): 

(1) Friends’ and families’ excitement can be overwhelming, but don’t shy away from it.  Roll with it, channel it and, most importantly, USE IT.  You’ll rarely have so much collective good-will again.  It’s an amazing, touching, humbling [only occasionally maddening] experience.

(2) For better or worse, the wedding isn’t *really* all about you and what you want.  Unless you’ve truly unlimited funds, you’ll need a compromise somewhere to accommodate family/guests/budget/other, so don’t get too worked up when your grand vision doesn’t come together 100% the way you pictured.  Pick the three things that are most important to you and make sure they happen; everything else is just gravy.

(3) The guest list.  It’s not easy.  But with a little ruthless logic (ex: no one under age 18, even if they’re breastfeeding) and/or an inaccessible location (invite everyone, but only the most intrepid will attend), it can be made less painful.  

(4) You don’t find the dress; she finds you.  Like all good loves in life: when it’s right, it’s easy.

(5) Put as much effort and care into planning the ceremony, as you do the reception, and make it yours.  Totally unexpectedly, the ceremony ended up being my favorite part of the day.   

(6) Professionals sometimes aren’t all that professional.  As a case in point, my wedding “coordinator” on the day was a TOTAL BITCH (I’d had my suspicions leading up to, but ignored at my peril), who insulted my guests and demonstrated such lack of actual coordination ability, I’m still brought to speechless, bridal rage when I think about it.  If I EVER find myself in the same room as her again [deep breaths]...

And the band?  Well, they were fine for the first hour...until they got drunk, had an argument and the singer’s car had to be pulled out of a ditch by a tractor, circa 1 a.m.  (Yeah, we’re laughing about it...now.)  There’d been signs of unprofessionalism in the months previous -- hard to get in contact, very offhand approaches to planning and my concerns -- that I ignored in the interests of not wanting to be a Bridezilla. 

The morale of this story?  Don’t be a Bridezilla with your friends and family -- you want them to still be talking to you after the wedding -- but feel free to Bridezilla your vendors. You’re paying them (someone’s) good money to get your day the way YOU want it. REGULATE!  And don’t feel even a little bit bad about it.

(7) And last but not least...remember that guy, the groom?  Yeeaaahh...him.  So essential, and yet somehow so secondary to all this fuss.  You might be initially frustrated by his lack of opinion on Massively Important Things like color schemes, reception theme, who to have [not have] as bridesmaid, signature cocktails, wedding favors et al.  But don’t take his disinterest in bridal magazines as a sign of disinterest in you/marriage -- it’s a guy thing.  

He’ll also, at some point in the planning (and just when you’re not expecting it), get completely fixated on a random, very specific detail.  M, for example, was adamant about wearing a tux.  No amount of explaining that it didn’t really jibe with the “feel” of our event (a shabby-chic-French-tent-countryside-Irish-ceali-hoedown) could dissuade him.  And in the end?  I realized just how unfair I was being.  I was getting literally EVERYTHING I wanted on this wedding -- the least I could do was throw him this one, small, possibly overdressed bone.

I think he scrubbed up okay on the day?